Creatively hunt for the good that your child is already doing even when they need to improve in some areas. This can teach them to look for good in themselves and others.
- Don’t allow yourself to only comment on the “problems” or “growth areas” that you see in your child. Your child will start to tune you out if you only offer what they might perceive to be consistent criticism.
- Kids need to know that you notice positives as well as negatives. It is vital to verbally acknowledge the strengths and assets in your child so that they develop a balanced sense of self and an accurate interpretation of how you see them.
- If you constantly model “fault” finding, kids will also begin to primarily find fault with themselves and others. This leads to a complaint-oriented mentality and failure-focused mindset rather than a growth mindset and positive mental attitude.
- Teaching kids to find positives in even unfortunate circumstances increases their ability to find and acknowledge “the good” which is a strong predictor of cultivating a positive mental attitude.
- Instead of offering only coaching, search for ten things each day that you can express verbal appreciation for about who your child is and what your child is doing.
- It is very easy to compliment your child’s effort. Sometimes we work hard and don’t receive the grades or outcomes that we wanted to see, but the effort is still praiseworthy. Make sure to praise effort far more often than outcome. The effort is under your child’s control while the outcome isn’t always. Reinforcing the effort reminds your child to value what they have control over and can give them an increased sense of agency and positive power.
- Praise your child for good intentions even when the circumstance works out differently than the child intended. For example, a kind word might be rebuffed by a sibling which might result in a fight. The original positive word still deserves praise regardless of the outcome.
- Admire your child’s natural talents-especially ones that are different from yours.
- Acknowledge your child’s kind behavior or words to you or others.
- Highlight areas in which your child is continuing to thrive. It is important to continue to recognize things that your child already does well.
- Affirm your child’s physical attributes.
- Encourage your child’s mental abilities.
- Commend your child’s successful emotional regulation- especially when it was challenging for them to stay centered or respond well.
- Giving appropriately mixed feedback (sometimes affirmation and sometimes coaching) will increase the child’s willingness to listen to what you have to say. It will also increase their willingness to take the coaching in order to gain more affirmation in the long term.
- Research by John Gottman shows that maintaining a ratio of 5 positives to 1 negative predicts mutual relationship satisfaction and positive future growth. The research was originally done in the context of marriage and divorce prediction, but it directly carries over into all significant and primary relationships. Essentially, it means that for every negative interaction (correction, discipline, mad face, etc.,) there should be 5 positives. Positives can include affirming and loving words, positive physical touch, encouraging facial expressions, etc.
- Sometimes it is REALLY hard to find something positive to say to your child due to their disobedience or frustrating behaviors. Here are a few examples of creative ways to find the good in less desirable situations:
- For a child who is “spacing out” and distracted from homework: “I love your creativity and imagination. They are part of what makes you who you are! I wish I were as imaginative as you are. Now, though, it is time to focus your creativity and imagination on the task in front of you. Maybe after you are done, you can share some of your imagining with me!”
- For a child running late because of playing: “I admire your playful spirit. Play is such an important part of learning at your age and you’re doing a great job learning that way. It isn’t time to play right now, but maybe we can play a game together this evening or tomorrow after the event is done.”
- For a child asking too many questions before obeying: “I admire your curiosity! You ask questions that I haven’t thought about for a long time. I am so pleased that you are engaging with the world around you with such curiosity. Right now, though, it is time to just put on your shoes and walk out the door. After you’re ready, I would be happy to answer another question for you.”
- For a child who is challenging authority: “I am so glad to see that you are learning how to check for truth and reason in things that you are told. That is a characteristic of a great future leader! You are a strong person and I admire your spirit. Now, though, I would like you to choose to do what I have asked you to do. After that, I am happy to discuss my reasons with you because it is important that you understand. That will help you get even stronger as you start having to make more of these tough decisions for yourself as you get older.
-Kristin Barnes Brown